Sunday, October 29, 2006

Vaginal Sex causes Mental Retardation

I recently read a post from boysbriefs. He stuck a sign "Vote NO on Proposition 107" in his Arizona front lawn. As he mentions, gay marriage is already illegal in Arizona, and proposition 107 would further discriminate by eliminating health benefits for all unmarried couples. Well, somebody stole his sign.

Because you shouldn't have health benefits, marriage, or the first fucking amendment.

This reminds me of an analagous scenario in another part of the world. Stagnant brain syndrome affects our species from America to Zimbabwe.

Do as we say or you'll die and burn in hell. This sign sponsored by intelligent design.

I took this photo in the capital of Zimbabwe, Harare, in May 2006. Check out the rust. How long has it hung here? Who has allowed it to hang here?

Zimbabwe has the fastest diminishing economy in the world, and also has the highest per capita incidence of HIV infection in the world because they perpetuate African superstitions like "Fuck a virgin to cure yourself of AIDS". And also because here it is possible to put an outright religious lie in the poison guise of scientific fact and hang it up for all to see. For years. In the nation's capital.

What if I hoofed it to a blacksmith, and commissioned him to fire up a slab of tin with a quote I firmly believe - something like "Poverty makes you ignorant so stop breeding" or "When deep throating, use your diaphragm" or "Vote NO on Proposition 107"? How long would my sign last if I nailed it to a tree in the center of Harare, Zimbabwe?

How long would it last if I placed it in my own American front lawn?

Friday, October 27, 2006

Public Service for Sex Offenders

Real Dolls keep sex offenders at home. Just check out the website!

Leah (pictured) is keeping potential sex offenders at home. She's made of pure silicone.

Can't get a date? Tnen order in. Like you do with Chinese Food. For a mere $5,000 you can get a life-like silicone person, just like Leah (above). Put her in the bath for five minutes, remove, and she has the body heat you'd feel from a human being. Now use your bits to plug up any of her snug holes. And what about those multiple orifices? The website makes no bones about what you want from a real doll. Here's a sampling from the FAQ:

Question: What if I don't fit with RealDoll's sex parts?

REALDOLL's vaginal and anal cavities are made snug to accommodate any insertion. The silicone flesh is soft, slippery, and very elastic. Any petroleum or water-based lubricants can be applied to ease entry. REALDOLL's oral cavity contains soft silicone tongue and teeth. The oral cavity is as snug as the doll's other entries. All of REALDOLL's cavities allow deep insertions.

Question: Tell me more about the doll's entries

The inside of the Vaginal and Anal entries use a different grade of silicone than the rest of REALDOLL's body; These areas are extremely soft and feel very life-like, down to the subtle texture. REALDOLL's vaginal lips can be stretched apart very realistically. REALDOLL's Oral entry has a very soft and stretchy lips, ultra soft tongue, soft silicone teeth, and a hinged jaw that opens and closes very realistically.

Question: Tell me more about RealDoll's "suction effect"

When penetrated, a vacuum is formed inside REALDOLL's entries which provides a powerful suction effect. This effect is strongest in REALDOLL's oral entry. Some of REALDOLL's users have reported intense orgasms due to this specific feature.

Now if you want to enjoy that special suction effect without the hassle of cumbersome appendages, go ahead and order a simple torso at half the price! That's right, you don't have to find a real victim, because she's already cut up! You can even get a severed real head (check out the accessories page) to stick in your freezer. Act out your sick fantasies and freak out your friends...guilt free!

Avoid jailtime. Don't wait, order now!

Thursday, October 26, 2006

Biggest Bitch on the Planet

The new African wild dog exhibit at the Bronx Zoo would have you believing that this endangered species are good to each other. They eat as a family and share without argument, are "close knit", and the whole pack shares in raising the pups.

What the exhibit in the Bronx fails to mention is what I learned on Safari. The reason the pack shares in raising the pups is that the dominant female is the only one allowed to breed. Should another female get poked and pregnant, once her brood is born, the dominant female kills them and forces that mother to assist in suckling her litter. "Nurse, this!"

See her live in the Bronx! The world's biggest bitch.

They say we mustn't put human traits on animals as each species has evolved their own way to best survive. For example, the offspring of the dominant female are sure to be stronger than the offspring of another. But you know it really isn't working so well because there's only about 5,000 wild dogs left in Africa. The reason could be animal karma. This bitch puts Madea to shame.

Friday, October 20, 2006

Fear Factor

My friend Curtis whirled into town last weekend from Philly and promptly ordered up copious amounts of cocaine. He stayed up all night and when I found him comatose in my bed Saturday afternoon, he had a crusted yellow phlegm trailing from his nostrils.

Ever glamorous, Curtis washed his face and dove back into the bag of cocaine. Later that evening it occured to him that if he was going to keep gunning through the weekend he would get real sketchy if he didn't eat. One cannot function on copious amounts of cocaine alone. Yes, Curtis would force himself to shove something dreadful down his gullet. Actual food.

Hamburgers don't look so delicious when you're high on cocaine

Curtis went out and came back with a deli-made hamburger. At the kitchen table he sat down and grimaced at the hamburger. He poked at the bun. He sneered. "It's like Fear Factor," he said.

Thursday, October 19, 2006


Most elderly leave their old folk's homes via body bag, but not my grandma. It seems darling grandma Gloria has been evicted from her apartment at Raleigh Hills Assisted Living facility in Beaverton, Oregon.

We knew things with Grandma were a little odd when a few years back she couldn't figure out how to double a recipe. It's been a slippery slope ever since. This year alone she's accused my happily married mother of having boyfriends and my cousin of being an illegitemate love child. But I got the best.

"Jesse, my heart is ready to take the next step," said Grandma last January, "I think we should get married." At last I've lived. My grandmother proposed marriage. "That'll make headlines," I told her.

GLORIA PEARSON (right), 82, has been evicted from the old folk's home.

More recently Gloria has taken to sleeping in her recliner because she's "rented out" her bedroom to imaginary boarders. She's also been caught tending to "babies" known to the rest of us as plastic dolls. Thankfully, we haven't caught her nursing.

The latest in the saga of my beloved Grandmother came to head this past week. Apparently in her late night wanderings, Gloria opens the doors to the residences of other elderly dwellers and walks on in. One can only imagine how many other indecent proposals she's made in her two-year tenure.

She's been given 30 days to move out.

Wednesday, October 18, 2006

Regifting Etiquette for Dummies

I'm all about regifting. Got a birthday coming up? I've got something for you. There's a pile in my room just waiting for an occasion. It feels so good to recycle, and New York City is made for it. We can't keep anything. Every day a choice must be made on what to keep and what to toss.

I have gained experience in this art. Last year, when re-gifting a leatherbound journal, my thankful friend opened it, and to my horror we both saw what I had forgotten to check. There were two personal journal entries penned by yours truly, inside her gift. Which was originally my gift, of course, long ago.

My hunky boyfriend Bam Bam recently raided my re-gifting pile and put on a pair of (expensive) Ginch Gonch underwear.


"Hey, I was going to re-gift those!" I told him. "I know," he said, "I left the tag on your dresser, so you can just replace it." Oh yeah, and I thought regifting a journal with a diary entry was crude. I could just see a friend opening his birthday gift to find brand name undies autographed with a celebratory skidmark. "Well," said Bam Bam, "Give them to a friend you don't like that much."

Bam Bam (center) is wearing underwear that may one day be regifted

The Gayby Boom

Sex and the City taught straight ladies (apparently there were those who didn't know) that the ultimate accessory is not a pair of Manolos, but a gay friend. A gay friend is an arm ornament, a safety zone and a bank of compliments all rolled into one.

But while straight women are seeking out gay friends, gay men are seeking out motherhood. That's right-children. The latest trend in gay accessories are known in the vernacular as gaybys.

A friend recently attended an uptown party and a couple of well-to-do gays were toting their one year old twin girls dressed in white fur coats. Let's hope it's faux fur or these gaybys may have to worry if their two daddies were stoned to death by gay bashers or by PETA activists. Not even able to walk and they've got matching fur coats! And I thought the dogs were spoiled in Manhattan.

Tuesday, October 17, 2006

What is a Merkin?

My friend Chad saw an article on a London theatrical production where the male lead had to shave his pubic region. He literally shaved off those pubes and audiences began to wonder: how can an actor shave off his pubes for each night? It turns out, for those of us in the dark, that he wears a MERKIN: also known as a pubic wig.

Apparently merkins have been around for quite some time, for centuries in fact. Merkins were originally used to cover syphilitic pustules (I'm getting a visual), are made with Yak or human hair, and are sold now as fetish items "for both the voyeur and the exhibitionist". Just shave your own pubes, add some glue, and slap one on! I'm horny already.

As our species continue to evolve, and lose body hair in the process, one can only imagine a future (beginning with those hairless Germanic types) full of mail order merkins because pubic hair will always be erotic for the voyeur, and the exhibitionist. And the rest of us, too.