Thursday, November 16, 2006

Take a FUPA safari!

They're everywhere. The drive-thru, the food court, or my favorite: riding an elevator to the second floor. You've spotted this ever increasing breed of obese human known colloquially as a FUPA. They are known for their defining evolutionary feature. That is: the Fat Upper Pussy Area. (For the male genus: the Fat Upper Pubic Area)


Now you don't have to settle for watching them graze. Join the FUPA hunt now! Here you can discover FUPA throughout their manifold habitats, and contribute your own sightings!

Fupahunters give detailed advice how to capture geniune FUPA photos because, as they are not endangered by any means, the FUPA is shy of flash photography. And since they tend to stay in families or gather in groups called "schwaggles", FUPA's might stampede.

This is dangerous.

Thursday, November 09, 2006

BOYS BEWARE!




Check out this 1950's anti-homosexual propoganda film. One never knows when the homosexual is about! (Where were they when I was a kid?!)


"He is sick. A sickness that's not visible like smallpox. A disease of the mind." Given how hot little Jimmy Barnes is, one can hardly blame him. My only misgiving here is that the wardrobe department didn't have the budget to dress these pedophiles as priests.

View the full length video here.

Wednesday, November 08, 2006

Lance Armstrong outrun by Faggot

Eat my dust, Stud.

Lance Armstrong, 7 time Tour de France champion, races the New York City Marathon. (2006)

He is paced the entire way by previous champion Alberto Salazar (pictured here with him) as well as two former Olympic champions.


He finishes the 26.2 mile course in a respectable 2:59.37.





Jesse Archer, flaming homosexual, races the New York City Marathon twice. (here in 2002)


He is paced the entire way by orange glitter hairspray.

He finishes faster than Lance Armstrong both times. Running a 2:55.43 in 2002, and 2:59.17 in 2004.

Friday, November 03, 2006

Holy Bulges, Batman!







Is Batman a marsupial?
Check out this pouch!





Trick or treat, indeed! I bumped into Batman at Splash bar on Halloween and couldn't help but notice his ample bulge. Is it all him? Or is he paddin' with cotton what nature's forgotten? We're left to wonder now that Aussiebum has come up with a sort of "wonderbra" for down under.


Yes, folks, here's announcing the "wondercup", a species of underwear designed to "enhance the apparent size of your contents". Put in the vernacular, it'll make your dick look bigger.


Of course, after consulting with a panel of experts (namely me, myself, and I), it has been determined that Batman is most likely wearing an old fashioned crotch enhancing cockring.

Wednesday, November 01, 2006

Let's Face the Chicken Gumbo, and Dance!

1970 commercial - Great American Soup - Ann Miller

When I met Ann Miller (see last post), I praised her virtuoso performance numbers in Easter Parade and Kiss Me Kate. But what I didn't know then, I found on youtube. This is perhaps the best gem of all.

Watch Ann toss that apron off and throw her head back in that campy showgirl grin! Who can't forget all their troubles? OH. MY. GOD.

As I lay dying, I plan to put this clip on repeat and leave the world happy.

Queen of Camp


The bedazzling Ann Miller, and me. 1999.

They called her "Tops in Taps" (she could do 500 a minute). MGM musical showgirl Ann Miller had long gams and no nose, but best of all was that humongous ta-dah grin. She transfixes me.

This photo was taken backstage at the Hollywood Bowl where Ann Miller performed for a millenium bash.

I was supremely drunk. Smashed. When she came onstage I rushed from my nosebleed seat down the many tiers of steps like Leslie Caron does to get to Gene Kelly in An American in Paris.

I got to the front screaming, and was escorted back up to my seat by security. A friend in the audience, having seen me rush to Ann with such gusto, managed to pull some strings and get me backstage to meet her. "Did you hear me screaming for you in the front?" I clutched her frail frame in a bear hug. "I'm your BIGGEST fan!!" I gushed, and all I can think now is that poor Ann must have thought her class act of a life was worthless if her biggest fan was some drunk screaming queen.

Luckily, Ann may get another chance to get a classier fan base. She believed in reincarnation, and said that in another life she was an Egyptian Queen. I read her biography, Miller's High Life and in the book there's a photo of a big gawdy necklace made of pure gold in a Cairo museum. The caption reads, "Photo of the necklace that Ann believes belonged to her in a former life." Bless her heart!

At the Hollywood Bowl, Ann Miller performed "I'm Still Here", and though she is no longer here, I often wonder where she is. And who's necklace she is wearing.