Thursday, April 29, 2010

La vie Archerienne!

When Bam discovered my plans to go to TRANNY NIGHT ("Every night that starts with a T!") at Secret Lounge tonight, he shook his head in dismay.  "Jess, you've gone out partying til dawn this whole week!" to which I responded, innocently enough, "What you're saying is I should take a nap before going out tonight?"

My French friend Arnaud is visiting the big apple and we've hit the town hard.   After our first night of adventure, he typed up a facebook status update at 4 am that read: "Je rentre d'une soire archerienne..." Translation? "I've returned from an Archer-y night."  He made up an adjective for me!  Je suis arrivé!

Of course Cooldan (from Lebanon) couldn't resist responding to that update with, "Au moin tu es rentré" or "At least you returned."  And he should know...anyway, last night I lost Arnaud at Barracuda, but this morning I discovered a voicemail message from him to the tune of, "I met a new Israeli friend and we have no place it.  Can we come over?"

I am so proud.  I truly and dearly WANT to be the person you call when you desperately need a couch to bone the stranger you just met!

So sorry I missed that call.  I followed up today and found out that resourceful Arnaud ended up taking the Israeli to Tomkins Square Park and hopping the fence to fornicate!!  Une soire Archerienne, indeed. I hope they did it beneath the Temperance Fountain!!

Strangely enough, last night began with a Marriage Equality gala!  If you'll only grant us marriage, we will stop illicitly humping in the bushes.  (That is a joke, people!!)  I will always advocate the fact that behavior should have no bearing on whether or not one deserves equality under the law.  You can be a mass murderer, but if you're straight you can still marry.  Keep that in mind, persnickety gays, the next time you want to censure all the rest of us so we can "earn" equality.

I was lucky enough to be invited to MENY's 12th annual gala....which was a roaring success and hosted by darling diva Marti Cummings and featured many a gaylebrity including Lea Delaria, honoree B.D. Wong, Malan Breton, Leslie Jordan, Village People cowboy Randy Jones, Reichen L (note to self: never do red carpet with Reichen again.  DUMB!!  Boy is way too beautiful) and many many more!

Speaking of beautiful, I was horsing around with the ageless Randy Jones and ripped the crotch of my pants.  Blew it right out!  Total wardrobe malfunction, which Randy tends to inspire. It's all popping up on Wire Image now.  My legs are pegged together for a reason!
The worst thing about the red carpet is that you do it before...the open bar.  Here I am while my pants were still stiched together.
 Lea Delaria and fashion man Malan Breton
Broadway hotties Marty Thomas and B.D. Wong 
The cast of the off-Broadway hit When Joey Married Bobby made it.  Well, all except for legendary Lady Bunny, who is now replaced in the cast by my pal Lady Clover Honey.  (She puts the Lady in there so you don't get her confused with the natural sweetener!)  Tina McKissick showed up to the MENY gala in a Scarlett O'Hara rainbow flag hoop dress.  Great balls of FIRE!

Here we are with doll-face actor Marti Cummings and the professional baseball pitcher (ahem) turned actor Matthew Pender.  He is a genuine fag stag!  Who knew he was straight?  When he was being interviewed by I stumbled over and ripped his shirt right up to expose him and...he didn't even flinch.  Everyone thanked me, and so will the video!

The fabulous gals are fruit flies Christin and Patty who have started an important new website bringing together straight friendss for marriage equality, "Proud Ally".  You go, girls!

Having my underwear fully exposed (it matched my shirt, naturally) gave me another great reason to follow the fag stag AND the indefatigable Mr. Jones to Will Clark's Porno Bingo at Pieces, where he sang his hit YMCA.  Let's just say the split crotch (it's vintage YSL!  Eek!) grew exponentially.  It's due to my inventive choreography for the letter "M".  I swear!

Tuesday, April 27, 2010

Uncle Jesse's Big Adventure!

My ex-boyfriend Zane's sister has 3 lovely girls (ages 4, 5, and 12) and asked if I could babysit them in New Jersey while she went for an anniversary with the hubby to Chicago. I love the girls and thought it would be a walk in the park, but WHAM!  Who knew 4 year olds couldn't bathe, cut their food, or get dressed without a giant ordeal? Yes, I am now schooled on all things child...including Justin Bieber!

My friends texted me (from various parties) that Child Protective Services was being called.  I didn't even have time to text back because I was up at 7 am and in near-constant crisis management until bedtime.  In one small, more memorable example, I drove the 12 year old to musical practice at her school which was a half-hour away.  After dropping her off, the the younger girls and I went to the Pier Village beach and had fun in the sand, at the playground, at lunch, and then we went wading.  One of them fell into the water, so we had to race home for a change of pants.  Race is never the case, these kids were hard to wrangle up and even harder to make them hold my hand across the busy cross-walk.  Danger!!

The GPS navigator helped me get back to their home, and upon arrival there were pieces of the sack lunch I had packed for  the 12 year strewn all over the house.  Not only had we forgotten to bring her lunch to rehearsal, their dog had managed to get onto the kitchen counter, have a buffet, create mass chaos, and then poop all over the living room.  I get that cleaned up, get the girls changed, dog walked, a new sack lunch made, and we're back in the car to pick up their elder sister.  Then I discover there is no address plugged into the GPS for her school.

Lost on the road, the youngest begins to scream and yell hysterically because the other said she wasn't her friend (or some like-drama), so we had to pull over and remedy that while at the same time call Uncle Bam Bam so he could get on the internet and help me figure out where exactly I needed to go in New Jersey to pick up the 12 year old by the time her rehearsal ended.   Small miracle we made it!

I have new respect for parents everywhere.  What an education!  Things came out of my mouth I never thought possible, "How do you turn the TV on in the Escalade?" for example.  I also got real creative, real quick.  I thought they'd just obey my every word, but bribes (ice cream, pet store, movies) came immediately.  Outright bluffs took me a little longer, but I have now learned how to procure peace with threats of imminent police action!

I loved the challenge even though being responsible for young lives is stressful.  I also admit it's a bit tough getting called a "girl" by 4 and 5 year olds.  Amazing how gender roles are assigned at so young an age.  I can't even like the color pink!  Almost fortuitously to fuck (and I didn't swear all weekend!) with the plague of gender roles, after taking the ferry home Sunday night I headed to the first annual, first ever Mr. Trans-Man pageant in Brooklyn.

I was there to support my fantastic trans-man friend Sawyer and it was a riot!  I got to enjoy lines like, "Oh shit!  I left my cock at coat-check."  Just what I needed - a little balance!  So how has babysitting changed my life?  I am up at 6 am today.  What do you kids want for breakfast??

Thursday, April 22, 2010

Pimping This House!

Who wants a share on magical Fire Island this summer??  My friend Travis has a beautiful tree house right on Shady Lane (!!) in the Pines, close to (but far enough away from) the harbor.

Enjoy a giant heated pool & deck, living area, etc, etc.  I'll be visiting, too!!  He's looking for cool peeps to share the summer in 1/4 shares ($1800) and/or 1/2 shares ($3K).  To find out what exactly that means...or for other info and availability, hit up Travis:!

Wednesday, April 21, 2010

How to Speed Brainwash--in court!

How you doing out there?  Lots going on, let's play catch up! 

Congratulations to my friend Enrique Ramirez who's sexy Chelsea spa, Face to Face, just celebrated its 6th anniversary with Brazilian samba queens and all other manner of queens at VIG 27 last week!  If you ever need a facial, back-wax, or an anal bleaching (!)----you now know where you must go.

My friend Frantz Hall is one of the performers in the hit live talk show Q-Talk -- like a gay version of the VIEW.  Lovable Leslie Jordan even popped in to chat after finishing his show (My Trip Down the Pink Carpet).  I'm going to join the panelists for June's show.  In related good news: Frantz and his partner of 20 years, photographer Frank Louis are getting married this weekend! 

I caught La Cage aux Folles last week after my friend Daryl whisked himself down from Vermont and took me out!  This Broadway version was better than the five year ago version but why does nothing beat the French original?  In this one, the birth-mother never arrives.  Is it me, or doesn't the birth mother actually arrive in all other versions?  Not that I missed her.

The "cagelles" were fabulous (oh, if only I could high-kick!) but the real find here is Douglas Hodge, who plays Albin.  His rendition of "I am what I am" was everything it needed to be!  And a little bit more---as the lights caught all the spittle he kept spraying onto the front row.  And I never thought Kelsey Grammer was attractive before...but suddenly I am hot for Frasier.  Then someone told me Kelsey Grammer killed someone in his youth.  After poking around, I didn't find that.  But I did find that many members of his family have been killed in a tragedy.  Thankfully, the musical is anything but.

On Monday, my brother Ryan ran the Boston Marathon and finished in 2:52.  That's three minutes faster than my personal best.  Way to go, little bro!  Don't make me run another one to best you!!  You can keep the marathon crown (I'll keep the others, thank you)

My weeks long federal jury service is also finished and I must say the government looked particularly good during this case.  We convicted two sociopaths who needed to be stopped.  More later on that whole CIRCUS, but first a glimpse into the whole court reporter thing: 

You know it's not a typewriter they use?  It's this little magic machine with about twenty unmarked pads. They really are amazing, these reporters, because it looks like they're hardly touching that thing but then randomly, someone won't hear something, and they will have to read back what was said.  Inevitably, they read back every word as it was said (I'd want to correct bad grammar or paraphrase).

When I asked about the magic machine, the reporter told me the keys represent phonetics, and bits of phrases.  "Basically, they teach you brainwashing," she said.  "And then you go for speed." Speed brainwashing?  Wait til the Pope hears this!

A court reporter is like a conduit.  I asked if she processes any of what is being said?  "Sometimes a little," she answered.  "When it's slow." Which in this protracted case was a merciful blessing! 

This is my month for courtrooms.  I saw another judge in midtown Manhattan this week.  Remember the kerfuffle I had with the MTA police in October?  Both counts of disorderly conduct against me have been dismissed "in the name of justice".


Sunday, April 18, 2010

A Sherry it Shall Be

Bam and I went to spinning class today.  I have never sweated so much in my life!  Either I'm out of shape or cycling is more strenuous than four marathons put together.  At points, I was cycling faster than I ever thought my legs could go.  So fast I feared I wouldn't ever be able to slow down.   It was all out of control, kind of like sometimes when I'm skiing and I get going so fast I just hope to heaven I'll survive.  This feeling must be a lot like addiction. 

Which leads us to drinking!  Just after spinning class (which somehow gave us permission) Bam and I began drinking and once drunk, he predictably starts asking the bar for a "Sherry".  Also predictably, they never have Sherry on the shelf and he gets belligerent: "If this were a legitimate establishment..."

So, after a visit to our local country-western dive bar Doc Hollidays (obviously bereft of sherry), he came home inspired to pen the following letter.  And here is a once-in-a-lifetime glimpse into the psyche of my boyfriend:

                                                                                                                                         April 18, 2010
Dear Sir,

I am writing to file a complaint. Iʼm a regular customer of Doc Hollidayʼs, but unfortunately Iʼm always completely aghast at your limited selection of liquor. 

When I frequent your establishment, I tend to order a sherry. A sherry is a very nice drink and easily found in the more civilized parts of the globe. I find that a sherry is not only good for the heart, but a wonderful way to enjoy an early Sunday afternoon, from say 9.00am. 

Unfortunately, if I am to rely on your stock, I would be sadly thirsty.  I would expect that an establishment of your calibre would stock sherry. I donʼt mind if the sherry is dry or sweet, as long as the blasted substance is available. I would be happy to invest in this liquor myself and keep it resident behind your bar, for my own consumption, if you find that it is a chore to procure. Whatever the circumstances for its absence, my bewilderment cannot be lessened. In any event, I fully expect you to attend to this most egregious oversight.

Thank you for your cooperation in this serious matter. If you require any further direction, please feel free to forward all correspondence to the above address.

Yours in thirst,

Michael Bamford

Wednesday, April 14, 2010

1 Angry Man!

I'm so ready to light myself on fire, slash my wrists, and go out in a big bang of glory because that would at least add spice to my life.  Jury service, at least in the case of this particular trial, is like being put in the time out corner and forced to stare at... wait, I'm not allowed to talk about the case.  Added torture --- I can't even release!  But when this is over, beware the floodgates!

If my fellow jurors are supposed to be a mix of my peers let me just say...I love my peers!  They are awesome, and we have the most amazing bellow laughs during our ten minute breaks, twice a day.  You should have seen us the first day---totally rapt in court.  And now---we're moaning, chatting, sleeping, a friend gave me a Xanax which made one day bearable. I've come to realize they don't care what we do in the jury box, so long as we are there.  We could be playing a game of Gin Rummy for all they care.

In my illustrious role as Juror #7, I've gained like 10 pounds.  It's not just the slouching, but in the past three weeks I found the "5 dumplings for $1" joint in Chinatown!  It's actually a re-find: "Fried Dumplings" was my favorite hobosexual discovery EVER until it disappeared from 99 Allen Street in the LES about a year ago.  I figured it was health department violations, since it was at "Fried Dumplings" that I saw a worker woman collecting and stacking plastic plates from the garbage.  It's Chinese recycling, but I didn't think too much about that.  I'm GREEN, baby!

The Federal courthouse is at the southern edge of Chinatown and there, wandering, what do I see?  The same sign!  The same DAILY NEWS article (blown up and in Chinese) and the same address on the article: 99 Allen street.  Only it's now at Mosco Street?  Inside, the Chinese women chatter and wield spatulas with the same flour covered hands that take my dollar and deliver in return 5 juicy dumplings filled with a mystery meat.  I'm a VEGETARIAN, baby!

Beyond getting fat and pulling my hair out with frustration, anger, boredom, and the sheer fact I can't SCREAM as a juror...I had probably the most awkward experience of my entire life today when I somehow found myself alone in the elevator with the defendant.  There are lots of measures taken to make sure jurors do not mix, see, interact, even look at the lawyers, defendants, or witnesses...but there she was.  She got in the elevator and my jaw dropped.  Her eyes bulged and she turned around, became rigid as a corpse, and it occurred to me that the experience was kind of like what they see about seeing an animal in the wild: It's more scared of you, than you are of it.

They say summations should happen tomorrow.  I'm WARY, so wary. 

Monday, April 12, 2010

Violet Tendencies Trailer

It's here and oh-so-queer!  Starring Mindy Cohn as "Violet", this film is our tribute to all those ladies who make our gay lives sparkle all the more: The lovable, tried and true Fag Hag.

For some reason on my blog, the left side of videos cuts off.  If you click on the bottom right of the video, it will transfer onto youtube so you can see its full-screen glory!

Violet is about to begin the festival circuit (so far, what I know for sure is Miami, Honolulu, Calgary, Tel Aviv, and Seattle International). For updated screening info please become a fan of the film on FB here.  Please spread the word, and thanks as always for your support!

Friday, April 09, 2010


I'm so thrilled for my Tasmanian pal Matthew Dabner---screenwriter of film noir thriller THE SQUARE, which is opening today in NYC (Sunshine Cinemas) and Los Angeles (NuArt Cinemas).  Check out this Ammmmazing review in the NY Times entitled "Sin and Comeuppance Down Under".

Matthew and I went to USC together, and when I go to Australia I always spend a few nights with him and his fabulous boyfriend Darren.  Now he's famous! If you're not in NY or LA, the film will have a roll out in 14 more cities.  To find out more, join the FB fan page here.

Wednesday, April 07, 2010

Bam in the USA!

I just finished Andrew Holleran's Dancer from the Dance (from the jury box, no less) and quickly flipped back to page one to experience it all over again.  Wow.  Just wow.  This has nothing to do with the blase court proceedings, but everything to do with the quality of the writing.  I feel like if I can't write like this, devastating and impactful, I have no business writing anything at all!

One excerpt from my over-underlined copy:

"Dreams decompose, darling," he said.  "Like anything else.  And they give off gases, some of which are poisonous and all of which are unpleasant, and so one goes away from the place in which the dreams were dreamed, and are now composing before your very eyes.  Otherwise, you might die, dear, of monoxide poisoning.  Tant pis."

Oh and PS. To whomever has the film rights: I'm gagging to play Sutherland.  My face seats five!  Can't wait to re-live this book.  And to prove that not all dreams decompose, there is good news from Bam Bam who not only got a new job but who just passed his citizenship exam.  He is now, or at least after his swearing-in ceremony will be, a bonafide American!

Reading test to be a US citizen: "Who was George Washington?"
Writing test to be a US citizen: "George Washington was the first President of the United States."

Can you believe he passed??

Oh, and a huge congratulations to friends Catherine and Allison, the sister singing duo The Pierces on signing a new record deal with Polydor UK!!!  Woo hoo!!  Playing dress up with Allison Pierce in the Hamptons some time ago.

 Check out this fantastic video of theirs, Sticks & Stones:


They're also in negotiations to have one of their hits to be the theme song of a new television show....which is, of course, a songwriters wet (decomposition-free) dream!!

Saturday, April 03, 2010

Naked Cowboy Gives Rides on Mechanical Bull

What a week!  If I wasn't standing in my underwear on stage after losing a strip-trivia game hosted by Epiphany and Sherry Vine, I was riding a mechanical bull at my friend (and fabulous actor) Gerald (it's a hared G!) McCullough's birthday bash in midtown.
Hot BDAY boy Gerald McCullough
 Of course no mechanical bull riding birthday (my thighs are still screaming!) would be complete without the Naked Cowboy!!! He came complete with floor length mink coat.  It's cold in Times Square!
With actor Kohl Beck and the naked Cowboy.  Looking just as good from behind!
Save a bull, ride a Naked Cowboy! 
The Naked Cowboy, aka Robert, is really sweet.  He also was a lot smarter than I am.  He dropped out of the race for Mayor this past year and when asked he replied.   "It was just a brief run." This totally went over my head.  "A brief run."

He really needs to start a comedy show because when told by a woman he should put a "sock" in his briefs he said, "Another one?"

He also mentioned he goes home a lot to Cincinnati, Ohio, at the whim of his mother.  When asked what his mother thinks of the "Naked Cowboy" he said, "Of course she loves it, she made the outfit."  So...."She works for Fruit of the Loom?" Nope.  "She gave me the GENES."  A ha!

While on the topic of good genes, I bumped into Matthew Ludwinski (star of the upcoming Going Down in La La Land) at Eastern Bloc and he showed me a page ad in Next Magazine with his photo.  He was scheduled to appear at Splash Bar and the title below his photo exclaimed: Featuring the Worldwide Sensation Matthew Ludwinski!" "I'm both honored and horrified at the same time!" he told me.
Worldwide sensation Matthew Ludwinski (left) on-set with sexy Co-Star Michael Medico
Worldwide Sensation is much preferable to what Jamie, the original Fruit Fli, endured recently in Park Slope when some queen called her a "Bag Lady Barbie".  "How am I supposed to take that?" Um, both honored and horrified?

No bag lady here!  Jesseonthebrink with Jamie T. Ranieri, original Fruit Fli! 
Here are more photos from Gerald McCullough's bull-riding bonanza!  Porn Maven Michael Lucas, and friends...
Just to be sure he packed in every cowboy on the island into his bday bash, Village People legend Randy Jones made it out!! Randy has a fun cameo in our upcoming film Violet Tendencies...
 Photographer Derek Storm captured this dramatic action.  What a shot!!
Of course after a night of bucking broncos, I came home and jumped on Bam Bam who was asleep.  I keep forgetting he has to work in the morning!!  He went into a fury in which he a) extracted a "fee" from my piggy bank of several hard earned quarters, b) googled the phrase "Fuck You Jesse Archer" which - to my abject horror - resulted in over 24,000 search results! and c) banished me to Cooldan's (aka "Wife #1) place until the following afternoon.

Not only do I physically disturb Bam's slumber, but it appears my freaky dream patterns have affected him.  He woke up the other morning so discombobulated that he didn't believe he was awake!!! When he finally did realize he was awake, he told me how his dreams were invading his other dreams.  He's still talking about it to this day!  "It was most bizarre," he says.

My own dreams have toned down the action and upped the kitsch.  One night my subconscious spent entirely with Jane Fonda.  Upon walking into her house, she was reading a book and exclaimed, "This author is so intriguing, so entirely delicious. I can't get enough."  I prompted her for the book's author, whereupon she closed the book, pointed to the title and said in a surprised voice: "The author is me!" 

The book I'm currently reading, in addition to "The God Part of the Brain" (Is there a part of our brain that needs religion?  Can we/should we wipe it out?  It's a fascinating topic, thanks Tony!) is Andrew Holleran's Dancer from the Dance.  This is a work of art that I am rapaciously consuming -- and by consuming I mean devouring. I would INGEST the thing if I could it is so breathtakingly beautiful.

Please do yourself a favor and purchase this, the best gay themed book of love quest, longing, hilarity, and NYC in the 1970's.  To think: Malone used to cruise the park right in front of Cooldan's place!  And he lived around the corner from me.  How things have changed in this city.  And yet how (from a human and homosexual nature) painfully prescient and necessary it remains today.

Friday, April 02, 2010

Kathy Griffin's Biggest Fan!

Did you vote for Bitch of the Year?!  The Morning Bitch is Back!  Here's the follow up to my guest appearance on the seriously wrong webisode, Morning Bitch.  I reprise my role of "Nelly" and this time Patty and I are coming out...with a big announcement!

So happy to get to work again with the hysterical Allison Lane and Wade Foster.  Love them.  And how about that dripping "Bitch" in heat?!