Monday, January 31, 2011

Digital Pin-up!

Argentinean Walter - yes, THE Walter who put up with me all over south america in my book You Can Run - (now going for the bargain price of $38 on Amazon - WTF?!  The bible is selling for FREE in their kindle store - since when is piety cheaper than me?  I hate my publisher!) -anyway, that very same Argentinean Walter keeps proving he's one of the most talented people I've had the pleasure to envy.

He made me an avatar, and SHUSH - yes that is my body!!!
Click the pic for details.  I'm especially in love with the My Little Pony tattoo!!!  Walter was going to make it a tattoo of Bam Bam the cartoon character from the Flintstones - but he wasn't sure if the name was the same in English.  Next tattoo, next time!

If you want a digital pin-up portrait for you or a friend, he creates them for money because only bibles are free.  Quality fiction costs something!  Basically you send Walter a few photos, and tell him a little about yourself --- and he'll whip it up in virtuoso style!  Anyway, hit me up and I will broker (translate) for you if you'd like one!  jesse@jesseonthebrink.com

Thursday, January 27, 2011

You better find that boogie body!


Need a lift today?  How about this hot mess of a maniac Jazzercise mashup from TV carnage?  This carnage is filled with an exercise instructor so rabid, so highly quotable, she prompted someone to pithily comment: “So this is what crack does to good people!” 
C’mon, find your pelvis.  I know you’ve got one and it’s okay to move it!  If you’re not inspired by this woman (impossible!) then be inspired by jazzercising elephants!  You may be asking yourself:  What are elephants doing in a workout video?  Not just elephants, but epileptic elephants!?  Who cares!   
It’s random.  Random in the way I came home once to find Bam Bam drunk with a complete stranger, insisting that I write a musical about the life of Josephine Bonaparte*.
It’s horror.  Horrorific like when you’re being stalked by a murderer on the phone.  You hang up, call 911 and the operator says: “He’s dialing from inside your house!”
It’s camp.  Camp as Ann Miller tap dancing on a giant can of soup.
It’s something you just have to try, just because if you weren’t curious you wouldn’t have read this far. I’m someone who will taste anything new and if it tastes especially disgusting I will definitely turn to you, my friend, and say, “It’s disgusting.  You absolutely HAVE to try it!”  So here comes the spoon, open wide and say ahhhhh!
And don’t go to bed with no price on your head, honey!
*Bam Bam still thinks this is a good idea.

Wednesday, January 26, 2011

Why do birds suddenly appear?

and squawk their beaks off at 7 in the bloody morning?!  Do you love how I fit that word in "bloody"?  Apparently it's a swear word.  The answer - about the bloody birds, some of which are rather pretty if they weren't so LOUD (pretty things, like children, are best seen not heard!) is that I'm in Australia!

We've settled into east Sydney with a murphy bed (I always wanted one of those. More room for pirouettes!) and a frangipani tree blooming across the street.  Happy Australia Day!

Australia Day falls on the date of the first fleet's arrival into Sydney harbor.  The arrival of the prisoners to their new PENAL colony! YAY!  WHY do they celebrate this date?  I mean, clearly the inmates fared better than the continent's walkabout Aboriginals following First Fleet's arrival, but January 26 couldn't have been a glorious day for the convicts, unless, perhaps shackles feel better on land?

And WHY are Australia's colors green & gold when their flag is red & blue? 

WHY call it Australia Day?  They should call it Aussie Day because no Australian I've met has ever pronounced that word in full, or (frankly) any word they can't reduce and cute-ify into two syllables or less.  And so it is that Aussies on this G'day grill on the barbie in the arvo with a mossie in their cossie.  Catchy, right?  Bloody hell!  I'm going to start speaking like that very soon, mate.

Oddly, Aussies tend to stretch the simple word "No" into a whining, stretching, meowing marathon of: "Naaaahhhwwwwwrrr", which is also quiet catchy yet not at all as cute.

This switcheroo reminds me of the French, who CAN'T HELP but plop an "H" onto any English word beginning with a vowel (no, you don't hate lunch.  You ate lunch!) Then, miraculously, all of a sudden they absolutely cannot pronounce an H where it actually does belong.  OLY ELL!  You just said you hate lunch, but now you ate grammar?  What is wrong with you?

So many impertinent questions today.  Hang it all (or, as the French like to say, ang it hall), I'm going to the beach! 









Saturday, January 22, 2011

Violet/Velma Mash-Up!


Find out why the sidekick takes center stage.  My pal Deon over at Arizona’s ION magazine (check out Marcus Patrick on this issue's cover!) put out this fabulous triple interview with Mindy, Casper and myself!   Click to make it bigger.
If you're in or near Phoenix, Violet Tendencies is playing at the Desperado Film Festival on January 29th!  Coming up, the film opens theatrically in Denver, Colorado, February 11th - and is coming to Sydney for Mardi Gras.  Keep up with screenings and info on Violet's facebook fan page!

Many of you know Mindy Cohn is also the voice of Scooby Doo's Vilma Dinkley.  Vilma is basically the Facts of Life's JO: the show's token lesbian.  Only Vilma's not a lesbo, at least not in this incredible Violet/Vilma mash-up, created by one of Mindy's fans.

Apparently the fan's "inner child" wouldn't let her include the racier bits of the trailer.  Inner children suck!!  How awesome would it be to see Vilma talking about her FUPA? 



In any case, I never realized how perfect Kim Allen is in the role of Daphne. And I'm truly thankful I got to be the hot blond (does he even have a name?) and not, ew, SHAGGY.

Wednesday, January 19, 2011

If you LOVE me you'll do it!

I don't think I'll ever be able to look at this breed of dog the same again!!  Little Britain comes to the USA and introduces us to my favorite new characters - PHYLLIS & her Mr. Doggie, who makes her perform all manner of mischief. 



I'm of two minds about British humor - for example, I really don't get/can't take things like Benny Hill or Fawlty Towers.  But then I can't get enough of Little Britain!

British creators Matt Lucas and David Walliams do sketches that kill me.  Where do they come up with this stuff?  If you're unfamiliar, here's a dose of the intro to some of my favorite of their Little Britain characters - always taking the UN PC piss out of their country - and America, by proxy.  If you like these, there's a lot more to order up on Netflix.

Judy and Maggie judge the jams at the county fete: 



"Call me Bubbles, darling.  Everybody does!": 



Mr. Dudley's receives his mail Order Bride Ting Tong:



A political press conference with Sir Norman Frye:

Sunday, January 16, 2011

Britney's Back in Rehab. Yawn.

The floods which capsized Queensland have offered me a chance to see Australia's new Prime Minister, Julia Gillard.  Though Queensland's PM Anna Bligh is articulate and full of passion, Julia Gillard speaks on the tragedy in terms so ineloquent, so rote and monotone, I wonder why they don't bust out smelling salts to wake her up as she speaks.

Even prior to seeing her in robotic action, I didn't like her.  She's a woman, an atheist, and she's against gay marriage?  That's basically a vegan ordering a rare steak topped with whipped cream and fudge, until you realize: Oh yeah, she's a career ventriloquist POLITICIAN! 

After voting Obama for change, and seeing even he can't stop funding "surges" to Afghanistan for a war with aims as unintelligible and unidentifiable as a Jared Lee Loughner rambling, is it any wonder to anyone that something or someone else is really in charge?

So what are you gonna do?  About what you don't know.  About the truth they refuse to tell you.   

After the recent victory claimed by Hezbollah in Lebanon, my parents asked if Cooldan is okay.  He's in Beirut, and I hadn't even thought to ask if he's okay because, um, what's new?  Everyone knows Lebanon is a puppet of Syria or Hezbollah or someone...because everyone wants a chunk of ancient Phoenicia and its Mediterranean access (so much better to attack Israel).

If you ask me, which nobody has, I'd say: These are holy lands?  The Middle East is most unholy, an aggressive terminal cancer as toxic and anti-human as the religions which birthed it and if you truly want "holy" then move to a peaceful place, seek it out, wherever it may exist, perhaps the mountaintop where Julie Andrews spins around singing about the hills being alive (not alive with gunmen; but with song).

Yes, it's always the same in "holy" lands and Cooldan responds to my concern thusly:

"It's nothing we haven't experienced over 100 times before. No one is even shocked, surprised, or worried. It's just another daily thing. Since the day I was born, we never had a government, and when we do, we might as well not.

So with the ministers gone, nothing will change. You know you don't need a lot of cooks in the kitchen to make a corruption dish. They will reelect some new ministers and may bomb each other a bit and then back to square one (square one being in primitive times, with the dinosaurs and all).

Think of politics here like celebrities in the USA: Britney got married, Britney got an annulment, Britney went insane, Lindsay went to Rehab, Lindsay got out of Rehab, Paris got a DUI, Paris is out of jail...."

The New York Times says as much, in this editorial by Anthony Shadid, with an apt quote from a Beirut shopowner:

“If you’re watching a movie and one gunman shoots another, are you scared?” asked Afeef Hamdan, a store owner in the revived neighborhood of Hamra. “No! That’s what it is.

So I ask again...what does one do?  Wait for civilization to be Gone With the Wind?  I can't think about that right now.  If I do, I'll go crazy.  I'll think about that tomorrow.  Great balls of fire!

Frankly, if I paid too much attention, I'd become desensitized and start saying what you want to hear and not what I mean to say; I'd need Scarlett's aunt Pitty Pat's smelling salts to wake me up to my own political voice which I'd only recognize as something similar to that of Julia Gillard.  So I'll shun and ignore them, both politics and celebrity, until they come gurgling out of me, helplessly.

Friday, January 14, 2011

Sticks and Snakes in Red Rock!

Bam says I attract wild women, and fabulous free-spirit Carm is no exception!  We swung in to see her on our way home from the Tropical Fruits party - in her tucked away beach village of Red Rock.  It's so tucked away they all get water from...wells.  And they like it that way!

Carm showed us a marvelous time, cooked up a storm, and besides introducing me to my new video addiction - Playstation's  Singstar, (which is like a judgmental karaoke - I've been categorized as a "hopeful"!)  she also took us around and introduced us to Red Rock's most influential and important citizens!
Carm and beck: the Real Housewives of Red Rock
Beck (above) is also a SCUBA instructor, and I'm not even going to tell you the naughty things she does underwater!!

Later at night, we went "ghost crabbing" with the kids along the beach.
We built a bonfire, and while collecting sticks one of us nearly picked up a very long stick but was pulled back by a friend Tim, a local Aboriginal, who recognized it as a two meter tiger snake!   Its venom is ranked one of the deadliest in the world.
Despite the ever present danger in Australia - blue bottle jellyfish!  Red back spiders!  Six foot long tiger snakes!  Who cares where the nearest hospital is!  Wouldn't it be fun to grow up here? Red Rock is surrounded by national parks, so it can't grow - but it's got a river, beach, creeks, islands, and the eponymous Red ochre Rock which you can turn with a little water into a pasty war paint!  It's all very Tom Sawyer Down Under!!!

And ghost crabbing!  After pouncing on a bunch of the crabs that skitter across the sand, you dig a hole, put your feet in, and dump the crabs on top.  Last one to run away wins!
no crabs were harmed during the ghost crabbing


Thanks Carm!

Thursday, January 13, 2011

She's not the Momma Grisly?

Most of the news in Australia is news from the USA.  Even with torrential record floods in Queensland, they don't miss a beat on our latest depravity and I say, "Why do you follow our news?" and they say, "Because we're not massacring each other."

This is embarrassing!  How exactly do I answer that?  Order myself a glock pistol? 

I am so thankful for voices of peace like President Obama.  But these other so-called "leaders" who recklessly spout, put crosshairs on a map, never once pausing to admit that words and images might have an effect.  It's George Bush at his most appallingly heinous: arrogance without a mirror.  Never the slightest hint of an apology.  Pausing only to spin, and to spout about the right to be reckless, and god this and god bless and they all remind me of the Sinclair Lewis'  quote: "When fascism comes to America it will be wrapped in the flag and holding a cross."

How dare you equate crosshairs imagery with inciting violence!?  But equating Obamacare with death panels and killing grandma?  You betcha!  Domestic terrorism makes a mockery of the USA, same as foreign terrorism.  Think of the worldwide goodwill we had after 9/11 - summarily wasted and still wasted on wars in the multi-trillions (but the tea baggers rant about "socialist" Obama's expansion of government!  Why not engage a Tea Bagger in who expanded government the most with a sprawling Orwellian branded Department of Homeland Security?)

What has the TSA done to stop terror?  They got a tube of toothpaste off me once.  And the TSA color coded warning?  I imagine a warning shade of hot magenta as I enter the x-ray queue, chuckling as I watch fat people struggle to remove their shoes and place them gingerly in a gray bin.  All thanks to one shoe-bomber.  Whenever I think of that bumper-sticker platitude: Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful citizens can change the world; indeed, it's the only thing that ever has - I think of the shoebomber, Mohammed Atta, and Al Qaeda. 

Thankfully, I don't have to wait years to look back and laugh at the fear fostered by the TSA and its  primitive tactics and lack of proactive vision.  I can laugh now, because the best thing about Americans (not including its political dogmatists) is the freedom to creatively mock ourselves with incisive civil disobedience.  So when it comes to air travel calendar girls, do you think I'm more of a Miss April or Miss September?

Saturday, January 08, 2011

Tropical Fruits 2011!

Fruitbowl in the Paddock!!  Bam and I drove up to northern New South Wales to join the country gays at the annual TROPICAL FRUITS festival.  You must try put this party on the bucket list!
my new FB profile pic?
In the showgrounds of rural Lismore, Australia, where they usually pen up the cattle and show livestock, thousands of gays and lesbians are pitching tents.
Some had kiddie pools, everyone had cocktail coolers, we had a borrowed tent we didn't know how to put up and soon became a spectator sport. 

The ground was filled with sunken divets of horse and cattle hooves, so it was a bit like sleeping on a bed of scattered shot put balls. Not that we slept much.
The party happened in the main pavilion -and you haven't lived til you see a lesbian take the stage at a circuit party dance, and start whaling on a massive saxophone together with the DJ!  The crowd went wild.  
The Tropical Fruits festival reminded me of the county fair, except instead of elephant ears and ferris wheels you have a big country dance party with goldfish
 A cabaret
A Bam with a videocamera (scary)
A chill out tent with visuals
 Drag queens, of course.
 A....Cara VanPark
 Action on hay bales...
 Instead of Prize-winning vegetables on display, prized art...
And at midnight, cock-a-doodle-do!  2011!  Fireworks light up the main showground
The next day, we dragged ourselves out of the tent and to the Pool Party - where the tropical fruits got fresh!
what's wrong with Speedos again?
Lucky Ducky
Super-soaker in stealth


New friends from Brisbane!



this stud is a force to be reckoned with on the floating castle
They had this amazing floating balance beam, watch this video I took:
I made it all the way 3 times (out of about 100).  There were a couple of ladies at the pool, besides the lesbians:

Did the two drag queens above:
a) both eventually attempt to run across the pool on the long red floaty thing?
b) both fall off losing their wigs, nails, and poise? 
c) bring down the house in the process?

Check, check, and check!  Oh, and have you ever played on one of these floating obstacle course castle type things? I couldn't stay off it.
Things started out harmless enough
but soon got physical.  *Note guy racing down balance beam behind.
roughhousing on the high seas!
I have a) never had so much fun in my life on a hungover New Years Day, and b) been so sore in my life. Too bad you can never do this kind of thing in the USA, and I said as much to a reporter for the Northern Star paper.  She asked me how it could get so physical and yet lack aggression.  I'm like, we are gay!  And here's my first bit of Aussie press!  Including a shot of me being tackled into the water:



Thursday, January 06, 2011

Drive-Thru BOOZE!

Living the Australian Dream!!  After witnessing my hysterical reaction to DRIVE-THRU LIQUOR SHOPS, Bam determined that this totally normal slice of Aussie life must appear to Americans like going to a bank to buy guns.  Yeah, kinda!! 

And I'm feeling like purchasing a high powered rifle, Miss Teller, now that I can get my greedy behind-the-wheel hands on a bottle of vodka and put a merciful end to the piddly weak pours they have down under! 

I have no idea what they're so stingy about with their cocktails; nobody drinks anything but beer here. 

It's a Happy New Year!  And yes, I will have fries with that thank you!!