Monday, February 28, 2011

The Oscars 2011! And Hollywood History 101

I haven't seen the King's Speech yet - but I can't imagine a stammering king is more entertaining than Natalie Portman masturbating in front of her mother!!  Hello.

 Apparently stuttering is as gold to Oscar actor as a prosthetic ugly nose is to Oscar actress.  And speaking of fucked up speaking - how much did you love seeing 94 year old stroke-surviving Kirk Douglas make all sorts of jokes that only a speech pathologist could subtitle?  I half expected recent amputee, fellow 94 year old Zsa Zsa Gabor to get up there with him.  The only thing better would have been seeing birthday girl Elizabeth Taylor (79 today!) strut the stage to announce her 9th marriage. 

When I saw the memorial segment, I had no idea that Patricia Neal died!  She had this mad affair with a married Gary Cooper during filming of "the Fountainhead" that had to be the top 1940's scandal next to Gene Tierney's shock treatments.  Followed by top 1950's scandals including:

#1 - the egrigious HUAC anti-jew, anti-subversive, anti-communist (most importantly, anti-American) bullshit of the 1950's, Ingrid Bergman's affair with Rosselini, Lana Turner's daughter's (some sources say it was Lana herself) 1958 murder of Lana's mob-ish lover Joey Stampanato, the 1967 beheading crash death of buxom Jayne Mansfield, and the gruesome 1969 Manson murders of Sharon Tate, her fetus, and friends.  What were the 70's?  The 70's were Network and "I'm mad as hell and I'm not going to take it anymore!" which is when I was born and where I live. 

I can't figure out though, if I'm mad or if I'm mad.  Regardless, it drives me.  And I have to congratulate Aaron Sorkin on his "Social  Network" screenplay- and thank him for noting that 35 years ago Paddy Chayefsky won  best screenplay for another movie with "Network" in the title.  What a movie it is. 

To sew this all together, Kirk Douglas was massively smitten with Patricia Neal, he even escorted her to the premiere of 1949's Fountainhead.  In fact, Gary Cooper reportedly slapped Douglas in the face for trying to steal his young lover!  As Patricia Neal appeared on screen in the Oscar memorial tribute, Kirk Douglas flirted with host Anne Hathaway - telling the girl (who wouldn't stop giggling), "where were you when I was making pictures?"  She giggled.  Again.  He was not slapped. Cooper is dead.

Things (history) didn't fare so flirtatiously well for Miss Neal. Cooper refused to leave his wife, insisted Neal abort his child, and she later was spat upon by Cooper's daughter, vilified by his wife, suffered emotional distress and the later death of a another daughter from measles.  Finally she converted to Catholicism on her deathbed for a bit of reprieve. 

This is all wine and roses compared to what actress Susannah York (also featured in the memorial tribute) endured in her portrayal in the virtuoso depression-era drama "They Shoot Horses, Don't They?" (1969) which is not only an incisive allegory of life, but one of the most amazing films ever put on screen.
York was a best supporting actress nominee for the role, that of a desperate dance marathon contestant, and this year's supporting actress winner was The Fighter's Melissa Leo.  As if I'm going to see yet another boxing movie.  People that punch for a living are not inspiration!!

Leo gave a speech that felt full of contrived, calculated humility until she let slip an F-Bomb "It looked so fucking easy!" which totally made me her new fan. Although the US censors bleeped her, she was uncensored in Australia and I fucking loved that!  As Mae West might have said: If you're so easily shocked you need to be shocked more often!

She was expressing joy!  What is this of people wanting world peace?  I don't want peace I want JOY.

And yet religion everywhere says you begin with "original sin"!  Talk about child abuse.  Give me a swear word and Janet Jackson's nipple every day over original sin.  Parents have the right/obligation to shield their children from hate and prejudice and profanity (or try), but this does not mean they can take license to fervently intro their children to an angry/petty creator, judgment, and absurd allegories like Jonah who supposedly lived in a whale's mouth because he was running from God.  Who wouldn't run from that god?  But as far as the whale - honey, I have NO idea how Jonah got past the baleen!  Did he wonder-twin-power activate into a patch of krill?  Unless Jonah managed to slip into an orca or a sperm whale - and that would explain everything, wouldn't it? 

At least with Santa Claus parents have the decency to let a child find out it's all a hoax. 

Here's what I propose - parents wait until their children are THINKING, rationalizing adults and then relate bible stories and commandments and we'll just see how many religious people we are left with (until they are 85 and fear death, Patricia Neal).  Reason trumps superstition, unless you're brainwashed as a young person.  And then, as is always the case, other people's children will be the basis for all the rampant discrimination you leak into the world.  Nudity is as natural as fuck.  Seriously.

At Sydney's recent FAIR DAY, I told a friend (Neil) how some guy showing his butt was forced to put on pants by the police he said, in a mocking American accent, He should cover up.  I am mortified. The human body is a disgusting thing!

Then I showed him a photo of the altercation:

He quickly said: They made him put clothes on? I am mortified.  That is a gorgeous ass!!

Not completely unrelated - how beautiful was Halle Berry's memorial tribute to Lena Horne?  Lena was an amazing entertainer, soulful singer, and great beauty.  She was also born on my birthday!  Because of the times; because of southern bigots and white supremacists and willfully racist public opinion studio big wigs were convinced that their bottom line could not/would not offend someone else's children, and lovely Lena Horne was relegated to all black studio remakes of white classics.

All that, while the German descended white actress Luise Rainer (now 101 years old, Luise gave an interview just this month (there must be something to this film!)  praising the King's Speech.  In any case, Luise Rainer won her 2nd best actress Oscar playing CHINESE in 1937's the "Good Earth":
We can maybe agree that was well-intentioned, but what about the disgraceful, cringeworthy send up of CHINESE that Mickey Rooney gives (complete with Billy-Bob teeth) in Breakfast At Tiffany's:
And yet here she is, the beautiful Lena Horne.  No, she never played a maid.  But no, she never got the parts she should have gotten.  The star part of Showboat's MULATTO (which she was), which was given to her friend Ava Gardner (who was NOT) because a mulatto playing mulatto would be much too much realism.  Maybe she should have asked to play Chinese?

It was great to see Lena Horne get her own extra special recognition in 2011.  It was the highlight of the Oscars, and included her words: "It's not the load the breaks you down, it's the way you carry it."

It's the way you carry it.  You have a voice, even though you may not sing.  Use it.

Try not to let it make you psychotic!

And if it does, go out like Christian Bale and Robert Downey Jr, who both today were winning about their psychotic past.  The world needs less platitudes and more fucking realness.  Which brings me to: David Fincher was robbed!  Is James Franco stoned?  Helen Mirren and Russell Brand get my vote for best couple.  Billy Crystal... he is a dead ringer for Peter Lorre (with notes of Kathy Bates).

And, um, is Gwyneth Paltrow singing - or is that a Fruity Lexia hallucination?

Sunday, February 27, 2011

What does Violet Tendencies have in common with Mila Kunis?

Snubbed by the Academy!!!  Can you believe that?   The Oscar's will have some serious soul searching to do after such a glaring omission!  Just try to reach for ratings gold when you choose a stuttering king over smutty queens.  V.V.V.V.Violet Tendencies did make it's Australian premiere this week, with two separate screenings at the Mardi Gras Film Festival.  Thanks to all who came out to support!  The DVD comes out in May, just after Violet premieres on the ice floes of Antarctica!   Hit the website to pre-order your copy!

The big MG parade and party are this weekend.  They always have surprise superstar performers and you never know until you're there who they are or which of the multiple venues they'll be at until you and 20,000 of your closest friends find out on the night!  This year's rumors are Rihanna, Ke$ha, and Alexis Jordan.  Last year it was George Michael.  When I was last here it was Olivia Newton-John and an 8am knockout from Cyndi Lauper!

I'm supposed to be on the Mardi Gras diet - with running and swimming every day.  But after having found the only bargain in Sydney - a $10, 4 liter bladder of boxed wine called "Fruity Lexia" (aka Chateau du Cardboard), my workout schedule has been compromised!!
Fruity Lexia is an "afternoon drink" (as opposed to an "evening drink") says Bam.  After a couple of these afternoon drinks there is usually a physical altercation between us when Bam takes out the jar of Vegemite and tries to make me eat, sniff, or smear it on my skin. 

There is nothing more disgusting than Vegemite.  I honestly have a visceral wretching reaction just from the grotty salty smell!!  Bam thinks that's hilarious (me wretching) and considers it a sort of payback for all my sins.  It may not be running or swimming but I am doing strength training defending myself from the gag reflex inducing, brown shit-like horrors of Vegemite.

Tuesday, February 22, 2011

Sydney's "Little Black Dress Run" 2011 Photos

Coco Chanel's 'fashion MUST' has hit the park running!

According to Wikipedia:
A little black dress is an evening or cocktail dress, cut simply and often quite short. Its ubiquity is such that it is often simply referred to as the "LBD".  Intended to be long-lasting, versatile, affordable, accessible to the widest market possible -----let's stop here to check that ever-expanding market!:

Sydney's Frontrunner's take on Coco's sleek, chic reach with their annual LBD run!  It's a charity for Camp Good Time, a charity for children living with HIV.  It also kicks off Sydney's Gay & Lesbian Mardi Gras.
First a little back story on how hard it is to get your boyfriend into an LBD:

Bam Bam was absolutely NOT going to do the Little Black Dress run.  Ever since he showed me the ad, I knew I was in.  I'd been searching for weeks to find something affordable, and when we got to a flea market in Kirribilli I found a $10 LBD!

I continued searching for Bam who followed me around laughing, mocking "How ridiculous!" and as I put a dress up to him and told him to try it on, he says, aloud so all the locals can hear, "I am not trying it on.  I'm not going to wear an LBD" and yet again, "How ridiculous!"  Walking away, he whispers, "Get it for me."

Hypocrite!!  It's always me doing the dirty work while he pretends he hates it, while secretly loving it.  When we get to Centennial Park Saturday morning, Bam says, "Nobody's wearing a wig" so he refuses to put on his wig, even though he made me go into Paddy's Market and have the salesgirl pull down the blonde 50's bouffant he secretly selected because nothing else was "elegant" enough. That's what he told me, "It's the only elegant one".

But then people began arriving, dressing up, putting on their wigs.  I turn around and not only is Bam squeezed into his LBD and wearing the blonde bouffant wig, he is poking me to ask for lipstick!!!

Here she is: Betty Drooper.
She wants to be Mad Men's Betty Draper, but look at her!!  She's January Jones by way of Brunhilda, legendary frau of the Biergarten.  Elegance personified.
Here I am attempting splendor in the grass.  In the immortal words of Anita Private, "I look like a woman who used to be beautiful."  Though I did put frangipani blossoms in my hair to add a little freshness.
Here's the sum of our relationship in one photo.  I am giving you Elle MacPherson fist on a swiveled hip, plus a coquette Mary Pickford twirl of the golden curls.  And then please look at the behemoth beside me. 
You think she could manage a pose?  A smile?  Pull her dress down?  Anything?   

He did admit the dress was a "bit short".  That's what happens when you don't try before you buy!  

Some of the other illustrious competitors:

Hostess Joyce Maynge explains how it's going to work.  There will be multiple rest stops for photo opportunities, followed by a sausage sizzle.
 The warm up stretching did involve a "mammary massage".
Joyce crowned Miss LBD 2011, announcing "the winner is....that THING".  Thing competed in 7 inch platforms!
In the final stretch - up the hill with the black swan who won "Best Dress"!
Class Photo.  With trolley mascot. 
 And we're off!!  Betty Drooper takes the LEAD!!

GO BETTY, GO!  Bam actually won the "Best Legs" prize!!  He got a special certificate AND eight free passes to an underwear party!  He wasn't totally satisfied, however, as he felt he deserved to also win for: "miniest mini-dress", "highest hair", and "best cleavage".

"Each time I heard the categories, I thought for sure they were going to call my name," he lamented.  Oh yeah, a once-reluctant Betty now wants to SWEEP the medals! 

Saturday, February 19, 2011

She fell in the fountain!

Don't text and walk!  Fountain Lady's notoriety has landed her not only the viral video of her walking right into the shopping mall fountain -- but now there's a remix video (and accompanying dance moves!) to her shenanigan.  The song is actually pretty good, don't forget to download it on itunes!

Why search for intelligent life on Mars when it's such a struggle to find it on earth?!  Check out this news article from a paper in France reporting on muslim imam Kazem Sedighi, who proclaims that women who don't respect the islamic dress combined with the rise of illicit sex are the reasons behind the increase in EARTHQUAKES! 
 SOOOOO sorry Haiti, but if you had put a muffler on your bedsprings this wouldn't have happened! 

Not that this half-baked sophistry is left to muslims -watch christian self-proclaimed "prophet" Cindy Jacobs navigate her own twisting, complicated correlation between black birds falling out of the sky and the repeal of Don't Ask, Don't Tell.  
Cindy Jacobs is essentially my grandfather decked out in a purple cheetah blazer. 

Of course this woman has a congregation.  She has followers!  Her (and the Imam above) reasoning: post hoc ergo propter hoc ("After this, therefore because of this") - is the basis (and central fallacy) of all religious "logic".  Yes, when our prehistoric ancestors, frozen and fearful in their cave dwellings, finally saw that spring returned, it was proof that the sun god loved them!  But bad omens like a solar eclipse, a lightning bolt, or birds falling out of the sky in Arkansas - must mean god hates the gays!! 

Neanderthals like Cindy Jacobs will not come out of their caves without a lot of kicking and screaming, but with science, technology, and empirical evidence -voices like hers are being laughed out.  So are the incidence of purple cheetah jackets - which a fashion prophet might argue is the actual reason we are going to hell. 
Check out this amazing painting by artist Ross Watson: ‘Untitled 06-10 (after Caravaggio, 1603; featuring Louie Larrinaga) which just went for a whopping sum at auction in NY, and will be one of the works featured in a gallery exhibit for Sydney's Mardi Gras:
Of course I would title the painting "Stop the world religion, I want to get off!" (you know he's on GRINDR) but Ross Watson is more diplomatic:

A statement from the artist:  “That painting depicts the dramatic change in control of information since Caravaggio’s lifetime,” Watson tells SX. “He had no choice but to mostly paint religious themes, which were the great advertising billboards for the Vatican in the early 17th century. I’m grateful to live in a secular society and paint what I choose.

"Now with mass media and the internet, more people than ever before have access to information and facts. Significantly, two weeks after I began this painting the world learnt of the first Wikileaks cables.”

Notice his subject is responsibly seated, not heading towards a mall fountain.  Don't text and walk!

Friday, February 18, 2011

The Price of an Avocado

Home of the $17 margarita!  I mean, for $17 you'd think the margarita is the size of a fishbowl, and includes the fish!  But no, this is Australia where they put little stoppers on the end of the liquor bottles so you're sure to be sober no matter how many times you shell out $17 for a thimble of tequila in a small, but elegant glass. 

This place is expensive!  The cheapest thing on the dinner menu is over $20.  Even a fucking avocado is $3.  An avocado!  I can't stop talking about the three dollar avocado.  And it's not like it was back in the day when an AUD was not really a dollar, at least not a USD, but there's this parasitic little word that is reality now called "parity".  I hate it!!

Used to be, you'd travel overseas and it was like a huge joke.  A dollar didn't count.  You know, thousands of Zim dollars for Thousands of dollars for a banana, you'd laugh hahahahahaha.  Isn't that a riot.  Not that it's funny, especially if you are Zimbabwean, where they can't even afford to print the back of their worthless money. 

Zim Dollars, for reference.  This stack will buy you breakfast.
But the joke is on ME!  I am a savvy bargain hunting hobosexual, and can always sniff out a $3 falafel, a $2 hot dog, a $1 slice of pizza.  But there simply just aren't any alternatives here.  Your avocado is three dollars and that's final!  Ok? 

Aussies give you a curious response ("Really?" Yes, REALLY!) when you tell them it's twice as expensive here as New York City.  But finally, I have some proof.  Sydney was voted the second most unaffordable housing market in the world!! (Next to Hong Kong -who wants to live there?)   And that's only the housing market - imagine what it would cost to whip up a party sized bowl of homemade guacamole?  See, I cannot stop talking about overpriced avocados.  It's absurd, we're in the tropics!  


Monday, February 14, 2011

Blog Watch

When wrong in the head feels right!  My new friend in Sydney's blog, Mostly Nightmare, is definitely worth adding to your blogroll for its stories, homework, and observations.  Or you can just look at the pictures, like this one from his post "common indicators of inertia".

How 2011 is this?
From wrong in the head to wrong in the body: If you're sick and finding that the doctors are only making you sicker - call my awesome friend Shawn!!  Shawn's studying nursing and holistic nutritional therapy after curing her own Chronic Fatigue Syndrome.  She discovered "candida" (also, I discovered candida in the mouth - thrush - was one of the first signs of early AIDS) was the culprit - and if you're interested in cleansing your bowels and/or discovering how to get your body running optimally - check out her blog The Candida Club!

The candid (not candida!) and hilarious photo/essay blog Born This Way, perhaps tied to the release of Lady Gaga's latest track - has blown up on the internet.  Gay men and women post photos of themselves as children, showing innocently their innate selves.  Accompanying anecdotal bios are heartfelt, hilarious and touching, especially reading about parents who indulged and nurtured their children's personalities, and the confidence of kids who dared to stick out and stick up for themselves.
Just WAIT until they get a hold of me rocking my mid 1980's short shorts and half-shirt combo!  

Thursday, February 10, 2011

Red Leaf Pool and the

G'Day!  There's no place for February like the southern hemisphere!  Look what's just a couple miles from where we're staying in Sydney - over a couple hills and down to Red Leaf Pool.
What they call a pool here is a fenced off section of harbor.  Red Leaf is a beach in Sydney's Double Bay.  We run here and dive into the water off the platform that runs the length of the underwater fence.  The pontoons are fun, too.  
Bobbling around in the water, sometimes I feel something grab ahold of my leg - or at least I imagine something grabbing hold of my leg and then I do an incredible splashy horror imitation of something grabbing hold of my leg and pulling me down, down, drown!

It's script development.  Our story idea is a shark that breaks into the pool through a broken fence post - and has a subsequent FIELD DAY of a feeding frenzy once inside.  The script sort of writes itself, no?*

The run back isn't so bad either!  Above Rushcutter's Bay:

*Bam's other film idea is "PlatyCroctaRoo".

Sunday, February 06, 2011

The winner takes the TURD!

I seriously wondered if it the ABBA-turd would be in the ABBAworld museum exhibit.  And it wasn't.  This curator sucks!
I was taken to the museum by a few new Aussie friends Marc and Michael and Yvie who are serious fanatics. They registered as ABBA "experts" and still scored 100% on the ABBA quiz at the ABBA exhibit!  It was overwhelming for me, who likes the group (and most especially their story-songs -"the day before you came" "thank you for the music"- hello!!)  but I don't know their manager's name, the details of their Eurovision win in 1974, or the layout and furniture placement of their Swedish office.  Nevertheless...

We got to rock out to to ABBA on singstar: 
Be on their Waterloo album cover: 
 Cup Agnetha's breasts...
 Yes, I like ABBA enough to cup their breasts...
 ....but my like is tempered with a distaste, along with discerning theatregoers, for the worldwide smash musical based on their music - "Mamma Mia" which jumped onto the storybook musical meme, free of any discernable story (ahem).  Though it was boisterous, I'll give it that! 

I learned so much at ABBAworld.  For example, I had no idea that the two couples - Bjorn and Agnetha & Benny and Frida were once married!
Or that after they divorced, Bjorn took up with a new lover and then wrote the song "The Winner Takes it All" with the lyrics: "Tell me does she kiss...the way I used to kiss you?" about how ex-wife Agnetha must be feeling, and then...made her sing it!!  Yeah!  The nerve!

Agnetha rose to the occasion and sang about her ex-husbands new lover winning him, taking it all (all of the manky, shaggy 70's-ness, I guess) was a HIT!  Probably because with that kind of a prize the winner can just keep it!  But with this backstory, doesn't the song pack much more of a whallop?

Agnetha was put through the emotional ringer!  All that - and then the poor girl must now endure fans not only groping her breasts indiscriminately, but collecting stool samples!  Agnetha cannot get a break!  You remember in the movie Priscilla: Queen of the Desert, Guy Pearce's "Felicia" once caught blonde Agnetha rushing out of a bathroom stall.  He stole in to discover...she had left a memento in the toilet and he scooped it up as a collectors item?    Remember his prized possession?  Who can forget the ABBA turd?!

I once toured the Casa Casuarina in Miami (the old Versace mansion is now a boutique hotel - please you are not to mention it's a murder site, too) and inspected the Madonna suite and the toilet where, yes, Madonna took her tinkles -wait, this post is all gonna coalesce, I swear.

Priscilla --the musical is coming to Broadway (hooray!) I saw it when it began here in Sydney years ago.  They had changed the ABBA references from the film into Kylie references for stage because ABBA didn't want competition with "Mamma Mia".  But now I hear on its long journey to Broadway, Kylie has been scrapped in favor of Madonna!! Yes,  theatre tourists are so daft they don't know who Kylie is!  So I'm left to suppose Nick Adams as Felicia (he is so going to rock this role!) will tell the nightly tale of how he fished out a Madonna (as passed through ABBA and Kylie) turd?  That is one superstar shit!

And speaking of swimmers (!) the Powerhouse Museum is right near Ian Thorpe's Aquatic Center.  Ian "the Thorpedo" is Australia's top swimmer (and Olympian) of all time.  At a press conference just this Wednesday, Thorpe announced his return from retirement - and plan to compete in the 2012 Olympics.  Ian Thorpe has long been rumored gay, even more so after his memorable denials which go something like: Just because I wear pearls, like fashion labels, and listen to Kylie Minogue doesn't mean I'm gay! 

Of course he's not gay - not if he wants to be a story-free, corporately sponsored world-wide smash!

My new friends lament, "He could still Ricky Martin-it" (and yes, Ricky Martin is now a verb).  Not that I was completely sold he was really going to Ricky Martin-it, or needed to.  Gay rumors seemed baseless after post retirement photos (at what? 26?) surfaced with him less Thorpedo and more Walrusman.  He got a ton of credibility because Krispy Kremes do not pair naturally with Kylie, fashion, and/or pearls! 

When I tell my new friends Thorpe may not be gay because he got fat, they have it figured out:  "After he quit swimming, he started feeding on his feelings.  You know, it's the same as Agnetha. She fed on her feelings.  You'll notice she was pretty chunky in the Winner Takes It All video".

The moral here?

The judges will decide
The likes of me abide
The game is on again
A lover or a friend
A big thing or a small
The winner takes it all

Wednesday, February 02, 2011

Should I feel guilty about my tan?

My crazy cousin Karen took a CHAINSAW to cut up the icy snow into blocks of igloo material, clearing a path to her front door.  And in NYC they're blasted again - with all the wrong kind of inches!  The only excitement they're getting these days is this:
My friend Scott took this photo of Debbie Gibson and Tiffany performing together, which you have to admit is 80's totally awesome!

They teamed up in the SYFY channel hit (yes, dumb that station down - certainly I'd rather watch SYFY than SciFi, especially if it involves these two battling it out in MEGA-PYTHON vs. GATOROID.  What took them so long to go for this? Let's hope this collaboration is like Bette Davis & Joan Crawford together in Whatever Happened to Baby Jane rather than Veronica Lake & Oblivion teaming up in Flesh Feast!

Anyway, as the snow falls in the northern hemisphere, I just checked out a copy of DNA magazine in Sydney's...library.  Beat that heat!  And for more hot male deliverables, check out the latest issue of smoking glog Paragon Men - I get to write all the models' captivating copy!

I went running yesterday to Bondi Beach.  I decided to see how long it would take, and as I ran through Rushcutters Bay, and up and down a few hills, through Double Bay, and down around Rose Bay only to then become lost through neighborhoods trying to find the beach - it occurred to me that maybe it wasn't the best idea to run in the middle of the afternoon heat.  It's like a simmering soup!  But I imagined my cousin chainsawing bricks of ice and soldiered on...bless my heart...until just when I thought I'd die of heat exhaustion, I rounded a curve. 

Spread out before me - set to a transcendent remix of a recent Pet Shop Boys hit playing over the head phones, -- was the aqua cool perfection of Bondi Beach.  With people and sun and sand.  They say that it's all about the lifestyle in Sydney, and I finally got it.

I Lewis & Clark finally having reached the end - hovering at the edge of a cliff to lay lusty eyes upon the Pacific.  Like Newton when called gravity law.  I felt like the big red Kool-Aid jug busting through the ceiling.  Yeah, I felt like that.

Then I remembered Lewis & Clark were only half way, and Kool-Aid is fattening.   My return was a lot less refreshing.