Friday, April 29, 2011

East Village Easter

Thanks, Lauren!!  Everyone envies your (copious, colorful) eggs.   
Oh - and did you hear about the girl who, on Easter, tweeted: "I ran out of tampons, so I used a Peep".  I will never look at Peeps the same again.  They have been bled of their dignity!

In related leaks, what's this about fracking?  Haven't heard a peep?  It's a way of extracting natural gas from deep underground shale smashing.  And environmentalists are fracking out about how it has and will pollute the water supply.

We could find an alternative to raping the planet in new, always hurtful ways, but that would require foresight and planning.  And a lot less fertilized eggs, if you know what I mean.

Congrats Christian and Jeremy

Move over Kate Middleton!!  At this unlawful gay wedding there were NO commoners! 

Congrats to my longtime pals, and former roommates of CoolDan, Christian and Jeremy.  
After ten years, and weeks of stress and family drama, they've unofficially made it official - and though anyone today can own Kate Middleton's hand-me-down ring from Diana (for $19.90 - certificate of authenticity included!) not everyone can pull off a stunning wedding in a dolled up Long Island barn!
with a live Lily curtain
A fabulous band - 
party planner Rob

CoolDan, why are you wearing all white?  "Because it could have been me!!!"
And then he interrupted the couple's dance:
It was all very emotional.  
with Adela and Scotty
Our pal Adela (above) had Pepto Bismol in her purse and was extremely sick earlier in the day.  On the way to the ceremony she even stopped at a Kwik-e Mart to puke in a wastebasket.  She told everyone she had food poisoning, probably from the shrimp she had for breakfast. 

But then photos of her from the night before surfaced and Adela was forced to admit her illness had nothing to do with shrimp:
The best part is the unopened bottle of water
Love this girl!

Love these boys!

Wednesday, April 27, 2011

The Gang's All Here

New York, New York!  I must be the worst guest ever, but that's only because I hate exclusivity.  I'm all for one and one for all.  So when Anita invited me to dinner, I said it would be just Cooldan and Bam and me....but then we stopped by Nowhere Bar and picked up 16 of my closest friends. 

When we showed up to Anita's, she had tripled the recipe and was prepared for the whole team simply because "I know you, Jesse!"  And her clam sauce was a hit! 

Wake up, Crazy Dan!
My long-time friends Christian & Jeremy had a fabulous unlawful gay wedding (photos to follow) this past weekend.  I was so excited to attend, but they also know my reputation.  Christian said expressly: you can't invite anyone extra to the after ceremony party -- and right after he told me, Christian instructed CoolDan to make sure to disinvite anyone I did invite...because he knew I still would. 

So fabulous to have friends who truly get you.  And make back up plans to cope with your flaws! 

Thursday, April 21, 2011

Adventures in the Pacific Northwest

My parents have started an herb garden and my mom told me there is a difference between compost and mulch.  I may have been off the farm too long because I thought they were the same thing.  On further pressing, mom confesses mulch can be made of compost and that compost can also be used as mulch (??)  I saw she chose hay as mulch to insulate her herbs, but then she informed me it wasn't hay, it was straw - as hay would sprout and you can't have that.  So now there's a difference between hay and straw?  I need a cocktail!! 

My crazy cousin Karen (and self-proclaimed "butch hetero") took me to the airstrip to practice flying the kite which the kite surfers use on the Gorge.  She said before you add the surfing part, you need to learn to fly the kite without looking at it.  You practice doing figure 8's from 9 to 12 o'clock in the sky. 

I wasn't as successful as Karen.  My kite spent more time in Monte Pearson's field of organic Echinacea than it did in the sky.  

Cousin Karen is always a blast and I'm so glad I got to see her.  She is perhaps better known on here for our caving adventures, and that notorious cemetery episode where my grandpa tried to drag us to hell.  She also recently stopped dating a man who was much older than her.  So old, in fact, that when she started losing interest in him, she began hiding his Viagra and he just thought he misplaced it.

The next day we trekked to Mt. Hood for some amazing skiing.  There were 3 inches of new snow, and we basically had the mountain to ourselves!  Karen was on the ski patrol back in the 80's so she knows the mountain and took me down the steepest slopes even though I haven't been skiing in years and was never very good to begin with.

Karen fearlessly swishes down black diamond runs with names like Elevator Shaft and Powder Keg and the most important thing for me, besides downing some liquid courage at the mid-mountain chalet, is trying to get to the base of the run before Karen has time to whip out her iphone and take a blackmail video of me.  I just aim down the mountain without poise or form.   

"At least you go for it," she tells me.  Which is probably good advice in life as in skiing: going for it.

Also on her iphone, on the ski lift, Karen played this country song called "All the reasons I'm glad I'm not queer".  This guy sings on about how he hates potpourri, won't wear pastels, is proud of his Texan twang and doesn't let anything near his ass.  It is hysterical.  And got me thinking about all the reasons I'm glad I am queer - let's see, first off I don't listen to Stairway to Heaven.  I hate furry steering wheels and finding Cheerios (mulching?) in between my couch cushions.  Also, nobody is hiding my Viagra. 

I should pick up songwriting!

Me with this machine and Mt. Hood in the back. 
Karen showed me this rig which can pick up a whole truckload of logs.  She could probably hotwire it.

Wednesday, April 20, 2011

new snow on Mt. Adams!

Tuesday, April 19, 2011

Eating Out 4

Reports from the sex comedy shower set!  I had a great time with the talented cast & crew of Eating Out 4, now shooting concurrently with its 5th installment in Los Angeles.

Nobody can accuse me of not being a  For Eating Out 4, I did it in the shower! Phillip J. Bartell and director Allan Brocka wrote a hilarious script and I am thrilled to be a part of it. All I'm going to say is *spoiler alert* that I get to have sex in the shower with a much younger man and then get stabbed to death while coming.  It's very postmodern Janet Leigh. In other words, dream role!

Got to have some wet fun with sexy star Chris Salvatore. 

Then things got bloody.
The scene was a scream. 

I was lovingly propped with shower nozzle, cock sock, fake ejaculate and fake (hopefully disease-free) blood.  All of these items I plan to donate to the West Hollywood film archive.
director Q. Allan Brocka with crew and the amazing Garikayi Mtambirwa (seated) 
Naomi was in charge of the fake skin.  "It puts the lotion on its back or it gets the hose!"
Wardrobe man Malcolm holds my entire costume

Spending some on-set time with fabulous/supportive mom Susan
Signing contracts with Jillian
Joel Rush, Mink Stole, writer/director Q. Allan Brocka
Mink and her hot piece of man Joel caught in action
How fun to see John Waters legend Mink Stole work.  She was hilarious on camera and very gracious in person.

They are editing as they film, so look for Eating Out 4: Drama Camp to premiere sometime this summer! 

The script supervisor is the lovely Leslie (below) who makes sure all the magic on the page gets onto the screen!

Wednesday, April 13, 2011

Return to the Island of Misfit Boys!

CoolDan and I are back with the fabulous interactive summer calendar for Fire Island 2011. Advertise with us...and bring all boys to your business yard!  Please RT! 

This year we're giving it away *FREE* (how unusual) to all share houses in Fire Island Pines and the Grove.
JADE's new and improved interactive 8" by 10" calendars feature 5 months (May through September) and (it bears another mention) will be distributed *FREE* to all share houses in the Pines and Grove.  If you're not out there, I'll be selling it on here.  Because this keepsake is the next best thing to the beach, beyatch! 

Ok, here's CoolDan's pitch :) 

2011 summer calendar features: 

-wit and pop (f)artwork
-an interactive chart for housemates
-major events held on Fire Island (parties, festivals, community gatherings)
-a "winners" circle from the interactive competition
-a round-up to record memories from summer season 2011

We are currently looking for advertisers: 

-  2”x2” ad space: available for each month (total of 5) featuring your artwork and priced at $400.
-  1” x 8” banner at the bottom of the calendar month at $300.
- 1.5" x 3.5" tower box to the right of the calendar month at $250.
- event listings: in plain text on a specific day, priced at $30.
-  additional all-ad space exclusive (and/or all season) offers available upon request.

Hurry, we go to print the end of April, so there is limited time for you to promote! Have a look at the cover (above) and sample months below.  Feel free to contact us to see more of our interactive calendar, or to reserve your ad space.

We are confident that your business will gain tremendous exposure and your endorsement will not go unnoticed by the community.  Thank you for your support, and have a great summer!

Saturday, April 09, 2011

Going Down in La La Land!

Thankfully I have a bigger role in the film than I do in the trailer! Here's the latest film I'm excited to be a part of: Going Down in La La Land. This dark comedy is an adaptation of the book by my pal Andy Zeffer. 

It was shot last winter in Hollywood where I got to work with talented actors and friends Casper Andreas, Allison Lane ("Trisha" from A Four Letter Word), Michael Medico, Kim Allen ("Salome" from Violet Tendencies), and Matthew Ludwinski.  Also appearing in the film are the fabulous Alec Mapa, Bruce Vilanch, and love goddess Judy Tenuta!

Click the La La Land tab below for behind-the-scenes posts from the filming.

I play "Matthew" - a nasty, bitter boss.  I know you are thinking this is stunt casting as playing a bitchy queen is a real stretch for me.  Thankfully, I dug deep using both Stella Adler and Meisner techniques to give a credible performance.  Ultimately, my character helps hurtle our young sexy star headlong into porn...which, you know, happens.

Check out the La La Land Kickstarter page - to help out with finishing funds...and score a pre-purchase of the DVD -among many other prizes!

Here's the trailer.  If you don't blink in the wrong place, you may catch me *shock* with my shirt ON.  

Friday, April 01, 2011

Who is that Jesse Archer?

After my 2nd interview for a job in the real world, Human Resources took me into her private office, looked me in the eye, and uttered the three words I most did not want to hear: I googled you. 

Can you hear the needle scratching across the record?

I was perplexed, so I went home and I googled myself.  Clearly, there must be some misunderstanding.  I'm not the only Jesse Archer in the world.  Allow me to fumigate these search engine results which, shockingly, only appear to be missing a mugshot.

Dear Human Resources,

Should google refer you to any writing that is provocative, irreverent, salacious, sacreligious, shocking, appalling, or otherwise unseemly - please know that the pen and sick mind belong to one delinquent and deleterious Jesse Archer who flutters about the 7th ring of hell besmirching my good name.

I realize Google images is also problematic, and I'd like to offer explanations to a few of the images you may have come across in your search to unearth the person applying for a position within your upstanding company.
One word: PHOTOSHOP!
Two words: PHOTO SHOP!!

Let me explain:  My mate and I were playing a game of footie, when a venomous snake suddenly bit the inside of my cheek.  My mate quickly acted to suck out the poison and in so doing, saved my life.

My friend here is Lebanese.  This is how males greet one another in Beirut. I hope you are understanding of different customs and cultures.
I am mortified.  TMZ captured one of the most terrifying moments of my life!

Yes, I was doing a campaign for Calvin Klein.  The concept was: Why you really should wear his underwear.  It was a highly successful campaign, as evidenced by the fact you are right now wearing underwear.  I hope.

My twin sister does not wear underwear.  She is a tramp and the family is bereft.
Ahh, Beijing 2008 - you've finally stumbled on to something.  This is really me and my body!